reflective blog.

    If I was allowed only one word that describes my life, I think it would take a lifetime just to grasp a term that fits. I've seen alot of things that either have stuck with me or have been discarded due to the importance of what Ive seen and experienced. But then, there were the very few things that stuck by me. There were very few people that stuck by me. One big lesson that I have acquired through this specific place that I will embark on sharing with you is, it’s not about who’s on your side at the end of things, but it’s who is by your side that matters. 

    

Walking home from school every day, 2 miles, sore feet, so many laughs and smiles with my friends. My friends, a cluster of people that I understood and was equally understood by. Walking on the train tracks talking about the unknown and dipping into a questionable world that was bigger than us. Going through phases, and fads. Together. There’s a saying, “let there be spaces in your togetherness”. In friendships I had before the people of Clifton, I lied more in the spaces then in the togetherness with the people I knew. School was likable for once. I wasn't bashed by classmates or teachers like I was before in my old school. I wasn't made out to be stupid because honestly, I wasn't. It’s amazing how low you can think of yourself when other people tell you you’re worth nothing because somehow it helps their own sick mechanism of insecurity. I wasn't a loser there. My life turned into an art form. I saw things so much differently. I loved being free like that, being able to express thoughts that took me to a higher level. I felt like I was in an everlasting bubble, one that only brought me up, until I moved again and that bubble popped, leaving me to plummet on my butt. I would wake up in my bed so excited that the sun was out. The sun in Clifton New Jersey makes you feel like you’re in a Rod Sterling Episode especially when it sets, it’s odd and intimate, premature and everlasting, and it burns inside of you like hot tea when you've got a sore throat. Overall it heals you.

   

 The thing that made Clifton, New Jersey a euphoric place for me was because when I moved there, it was such an awkward time in my life. That time where you stand as this conflicted adolescent with more wrong in your head then right. I still am young and naive but compared to previous points in my life I think I’m maturing steadily. I always have been a secluded kid, I have one best friend but she moved away before I hit my notorious middle school years, that time when friendships are always put in question. I hit a rocky patch around the time before I moved, there was just so many things going on that moving from a place that I was born and raised was something that I anticipated for such a long time. I grew, not completely up but I got off to a good start with the guidance of people that knew for 7 months but seemed to grow with. There are many things I can say, but just because they can be said doesn’t mean they should be. It’s hard to let it go, my memories. They build up and then they tower down.

The thing is, my life can’t be expressed all in one word. I refuse seizing to be another categorized hallmark movie where the titles are gripping words that make the viewer contemplate what exactly the movie is about.  I think the reason why I can’t settle with being summed up is because of my experiences when I lived in Clifton, I gained my voice. It was truly a time of refracting my inner individuality in that time period where I had this eclipse in front of my true inner thoughts and feelings. 


There’s this theory about the reason why the earth , humanity and everything living will end . Scientists say the world will end because every year when the earth makes a complete revolution (365 days) the moon moves one inch away from the earth.Scientists believe overtime this will ultimately cause all life to die because the moon is what keeps the earth in perpetual motion, without it everything is thrown off balance.Now the world ending wont happen for a really long time simply for the fact that the moon has to be unmeasurable miles away, but it does consider that there is an end. How I feel this connects into our lives is because we slowly inch away from things, memories, experiences causing what "once was" to go in a state of nonexistence.It doesn't happen right away , remembering and forgetting is like life and death itself, sometimes remembering is hell when all someone wants to do is forget. Memories are alive, but they do not last forever because they are contained in the mind of people, and of course people dont last forever.


 I've always hated theories because most of the time they make sense. When a theory is a created it causes onlookers to stop wondering about "what if" . Being human is all about what-ifs.Making sense in your own mind why things happen, but when you know why and whats going to happen you stop asking questions and accept things for what they are. We all know the worlds going to end, that fact of life is equivalent to the fact that we all know were going to forget, and lose memories as we grow old. Its a stage of life but now in the glory years it makes you  more sad because what happens to you now is all you can confide in , happy days. Pure days, and to be honest, I feel like if I filtered my life , if i took out all the refined aspects of it, the purest thing left would be my memories from Clifton. 


 In my opinion the moments you forget that are the structure of who you are, is the truth that you  forget who you are. And like the world ending because of the moons distance, your world ends a little bit, for you, whose life has drifted from your mind, your thoughts and feelings are uninhabitable because you find yourself searching for something you cant remember. That’s my one fear I guess, the one thing I obsess over, not remembering. It comes to show though, enjoy life, because when you take the time to be happy you can make new memories. The hardest things to do as a human is restraining from looking back and concentrate on looking forward. It’s so tempting to want to recap and resonate in all the good, but you have to realize you cant be stuck in the past when you have a future waiting to be paved. My life right now isn't fantastic,which is why I look back at a time that I miss . I realize though your living a different life, somebody else's life if your living in your own past. Because as person you have to grow, changing who you are from who you were is just another natural stage of life. As humans we are the Protagonists in the stories of our own lives there is no way we can stay static throughout all our chapters. Being dynamic characters of nature is what makes us human. I think people that struggle with letting go are both the Protagonist and Antagonist in their own lives because they are in constant conflict with themselves. It brought me to the conclusion that I have a choice, I can keep rekindling that fear of forgetting by being in conflict with myself, or I can let go and be free myself allowing me to move on, realizing no, things wont ever be the same, but yea maybe the future will be even more rewarding. I cant say I will remember Clifton as I grow older or recall all the faces and memories I experienced there but somewhere in my heart, I think whenever the place Clifton ,New Jersey is spoken, I'll still feel the excitement that once was. I think thats the great thing , because even though its a fact that people forget , what can be stored in your heart is unmeasurable, there is no expiration date or time limit. A feeling is much more powerful then a thought, because it doesn't require thought, it just comes naturally.